silence
in remembrance and in grief
posted by kyledawn @ 11:36 AM
|
Monday, October 31, 2005
Saturday, October 22, 2005
it just thundered!
in new jersey!
i heard too that there might be some ice in hell as it's freezing over!
i heard too that there might be some ice in hell as it's freezing over!
posted by kyledawn @ 10:01 PM
|
Thursday, October 20, 2005
i'm sad
i just felt like i had to say it. it's there and it needed to be said. again.
it's for so many and for so few reasons. that's how it always goes, isn't it?
i'm really looking forward to going over the rainbow back to kansas.
it's for so many and for so few reasons. that's how it always goes, isn't it?
i'm really looking forward to going over the rainbow back to kansas.
posted by kyledawn @ 5:46 PM
|
Wednesday, October 19, 2005
Jesus loves me and u2
monday. october 17th. it is finally the day.
ann and i leave bright and early at 7:00 a.m. to head for philly, with a quick stop at panera for breakfast to go. i'm going on about an hour of sleep but i'm pumped! we get to the wachovia center around 8:45ish. turns out that ann and i are the 84th and 85th people to get there. that's pretty dang cool.
so, we begin our wait. there are staff folk there to keep us in line. we are told to make friends with the people in front of and behind us. so, we meet anthony and cindy and sarah and jeff. all cool kids. later on we also met a hardcore fan named alan and some other cool folks named ed and gwen. we learn a lot from these people especially anthony.
it's kind of cold when we start our day. but we find ways to keep ourselves occupied. ann tries to nap and i spend quite some time reading. around 12:30, we decide that i should go with sarah (our neighbor in line) to get some food. so, we set off on a little adventure to downtown philadelphia. we met a really funny guy on the subway (after we figured out how to get on the subway!!!). we found a place with reasonably priced sandwiches, including philly cheesesteaks. yum! when we finally get back, ann, jeff, and alan were a little worried about us. but it's all jolly. and we wait some more.
at 4:45, we have to have all our extra stuff in our cars and get ready to line up. so, everyone is now standing and getting pretty excited about the concert. somehow, about 10 people get in line between where we are and our neighbor anthony. so, we call over the staff lady and she directs them to their proper place at the end of the line. she was right about making friends in line!
now, we're standing in line and there's a circle of us talking about all things u2. it's getting exciting. i'm getting all excited on the inside and feel like i'm going to burst and ann is practically bouncing! it's great!
at 6:00, they start admitting us to the arena. we are hoping against hope that we get into the ellipse. so, we go through the turnstiles, get patted down, get our tickets scanned, then we have to get our tickets scanned again to see if we're in the ellipse. our friend anthony ahead of us gets in! we don't. so, we run down the hall so that we can find good places just outside the ellipse. we get there and are just one person away from the ellipse. great places!
now, we have to wait until 7:30 when the opening act comes on. damian marley is the opening act and is kind of mediocre. you can definitely tell the crowd is just tolerating them until u2 comes on. they end around 8:20. and now they prep the stage for u2.
8:50. it's happening. u2 is here! the band makes their way onto the stage. bono emerges at the apex of the ellipse with confetti pouring down. it's glorious.
the concert is amazing. i can't even explain it. they played awesome songs (as if there was anything else they could do). the crowd was so into it. we were so close to bono and the edge. i must say that i agree with ann that the edge is hott!
they played two encores. oh and wouldn't you know ... bruce springsteen makes a guest appearance in the first encore! can you imagine?! bruce and u2!!!!! it was beyond awesome.
after the concert, surprisingly, we ran into almost all the people we met in line and asked them how they enjoyed the show. we saw everyone except anthony and his wife who were in the ellipse. it was great.
i don't even have the right words to tell you the experience. you know, it's a once in a lifetime thing (well, unless you're a hardcore fan that goes to several of the concerts on each tour!). we got to see one of the greatest bands of all time. wow. it was great to share this with ann because i knew this was one of her dreams coming true!
so, in a nutshell: u2 is amazing. the edge is hot. ann can die happy. and i feel blessed to have experienced it all.
ann and i leave bright and early at 7:00 a.m. to head for philly, with a quick stop at panera for breakfast to go. i'm going on about an hour of sleep but i'm pumped! we get to the wachovia center around 8:45ish. turns out that ann and i are the 84th and 85th people to get there. that's pretty dang cool.
so, we begin our wait. there are staff folk there to keep us in line. we are told to make friends with the people in front of and behind us. so, we meet anthony and cindy and sarah and jeff. all cool kids. later on we also met a hardcore fan named alan and some other cool folks named ed and gwen. we learn a lot from these people especially anthony.
it's kind of cold when we start our day. but we find ways to keep ourselves occupied. ann tries to nap and i spend quite some time reading. around 12:30, we decide that i should go with sarah (our neighbor in line) to get some food. so, we set off on a little adventure to downtown philadelphia. we met a really funny guy on the subway (after we figured out how to get on the subway!!!). we found a place with reasonably priced sandwiches, including philly cheesesteaks. yum! when we finally get back, ann, jeff, and alan were a little worried about us. but it's all jolly. and we wait some more.
at 4:45, we have to have all our extra stuff in our cars and get ready to line up. so, everyone is now standing and getting pretty excited about the concert. somehow, about 10 people get in line between where we are and our neighbor anthony. so, we call over the staff lady and she directs them to their proper place at the end of the line. she was right about making friends in line!
now, we're standing in line and there's a circle of us talking about all things u2. it's getting exciting. i'm getting all excited on the inside and feel like i'm going to burst and ann is practically bouncing! it's great!
at 6:00, they start admitting us to the arena. we are hoping against hope that we get into the ellipse. so, we go through the turnstiles, get patted down, get our tickets scanned, then we have to get our tickets scanned again to see if we're in the ellipse. our friend anthony ahead of us gets in! we don't. so, we run down the hall so that we can find good places just outside the ellipse. we get there and are just one person away from the ellipse. great places!
now, we have to wait until 7:30 when the opening act comes on. damian marley is the opening act and is kind of mediocre. you can definitely tell the crowd is just tolerating them until u2 comes on. they end around 8:20. and now they prep the stage for u2.
8:50. it's happening. u2 is here! the band makes their way onto the stage. bono emerges at the apex of the ellipse with confetti pouring down. it's glorious.
the concert is amazing. i can't even explain it. they played awesome songs (as if there was anything else they could do). the crowd was so into it. we were so close to bono and the edge. i must say that i agree with ann that the edge is hott!
they played two encores. oh and wouldn't you know ... bruce springsteen makes a guest appearance in the first encore! can you imagine?! bruce and u2!!!!! it was beyond awesome.
after the concert, surprisingly, we ran into almost all the people we met in line and asked them how they enjoyed the show. we saw everyone except anthony and his wife who were in the ellipse. it was great.
i don't even have the right words to tell you the experience. you know, it's a once in a lifetime thing (well, unless you're a hardcore fan that goes to several of the concerts on each tour!). we got to see one of the greatest bands of all time. wow. it was great to share this with ann because i knew this was one of her dreams coming true!
so, in a nutshell: u2 is amazing. the edge is hot. ann can die happy. and i feel blessed to have experienced it all.
posted by kyledawn @ 12:35 PM
|
Wednesday, October 12, 2005
oh the places i will go...
i'm excited about some upcoming events in my life:
next monday, i'm off to philly with ann to see u2!
over reading week, i'm going home to kansas!
over christmas break, i am going home and then i'm heading to bulgaria to see some friends! i'm excited to leave the country again and to meet up with some people i really miss and truly love!
next monday, i'm off to philly with ann to see u2!
over reading week, i'm going home to kansas!
over christmas break, i am going home and then i'm heading to bulgaria to see some friends! i'm excited to leave the country again and to meet up with some people i really miss and truly love!
posted by kyledawn @ 11:38 PM
|
Saturday, October 08, 2005
i don't know about everybody else...
but i like the rain. in fact, i love it. i just wish there was thunder and lightning. let's all hope that when i go home to kansas for reading week there is one day where it thunderstorms. if that happened, i might just cry because it would make me so happy. but even if it doesn't, i'll love seeing the wheat and cows and familiar roads. tonight, i walked home barefoot. love splashing in puddles! maybe i'm weird but i do appreciate a good day or two of rain. let's see if i really appreciate this whole week of it!
posted by kyledawn @ 9:10 PM
|
Thursday, October 06, 2005
i'm confident
i'm confident that things always look better after you sleep on them.
i'm confident that last night's exercise was therapeutic but does not necessarily reflect my feelings at all times.
i'm confident that i am not the only one that's scared.
i'm confident that my friends do care about me and forgive me for my misdeeds.
i'm confident that there is always hope of spiritual renewal.
i'm confident that God is always with me even when i try to push God away.
i'm confident that the theory that however happy you can feel, that's how sad you can feel is pretty accurate, at least in my case.
i'm confident that we need those downs in our lives if we are going to appreciate the ups.
i'm confident that i will learn from whatever struggles i have.
i'm confident that most people are scared of adulthood.
i'm confident that i will eventually become a responsible adult but that does not mean i can't retain a youthful outlook.
i'm confident that there are miracles and somehow, i might be able to gain some organizational skills.
i'm confident that God desires me to come back.
i'm confident that i'm not the only one that has ever struggled with their sense of call.
i'm confident that there are plans for me and they are plans not to harm but to prosper.
i'm confident that prosperity is not found only in money but in the greater things of life.
i'm confident that i am loved.
i'm confident that i do find joy in ministry and i chose to overlook it.
i'm confident that my finding joy is not what ministry is about.
i'm confident that even though it seems like i'm going to go insane and i won't be able to get everything done that somehow everything will get done.
i'm confident that i need to find a place to be spiritually fed.
i'm confident that life is not easy but that doesn't mean it can't be enjoyed.
i'm confident that three things i hold dear in my life will not leave me: my joy, my hope, my faith.
i'm confident that God is a forgiving God.
i'm confident that i am not forsaken.
i'm confident that no matter how hard i try to feel bad sometimes, i will always be an optimist.
i'm confident that someday i will be really good at something.
i'm confident that people don't judge me as harshly as i judge myself.
i'm confident that i was not called to seminary but it doesn't mean i can't make it through.
i'm confident that even if i am supposed to quit school and i do continue, that it will be okay.
i'm confident that people often take detours on their path through life and these are places where real learning and formation occur.
i'm confident that i am made the way i am and i can't lose basic aspects of my core being.
i'm confident that the people i love know i love them.
i'm confident that my love of people will sustain me in ways i cannot even imagine.
i'm confident that if i do have to quit some fun things i can still find joy in doing a better job in my responsibilities.
i'm confident that i am more fully convinced that there are things the church needs to change and i want to help with that change.
i'm confident that the times i'm looking forward to when i leave here for a while will be a sabbath for me.
i'm confident that as much as i preach to people about the sabbath, i need to start heeding my own advice.
i'm confident there is sustenance in trusting in God.
i'm confident that people will enjoy reading this post a lot more than the last post.
i'm confident that we have to realize that life is not always easy and it's okay to freak out every now and then.
i'm confident that being honest with yourself is one of the hardest yet most rewarding things.
i'm confident that this list could go on indefinitely as well and that this one carries more weight.
i'm confident that i have a role in this world and no matter how scared i get, i want to accomplish it.
i'm confident because i believe in greater and higher things.
i'm confident because there is light in this world.
i'm confident that there is faith, hope, and love and the greatest is love.
i'm confident.
i'm confident that last night's exercise was therapeutic but does not necessarily reflect my feelings at all times.
i'm confident that i am not the only one that's scared.
i'm confident that my friends do care about me and forgive me for my misdeeds.
i'm confident that there is always hope of spiritual renewal.
i'm confident that God is always with me even when i try to push God away.
i'm confident that the theory that however happy you can feel, that's how sad you can feel is pretty accurate, at least in my case.
i'm confident that we need those downs in our lives if we are going to appreciate the ups.
i'm confident that i will learn from whatever struggles i have.
i'm confident that most people are scared of adulthood.
i'm confident that i will eventually become a responsible adult but that does not mean i can't retain a youthful outlook.
i'm confident that there are miracles and somehow, i might be able to gain some organizational skills.
i'm confident that God desires me to come back.
i'm confident that i'm not the only one that has ever struggled with their sense of call.
i'm confident that there are plans for me and they are plans not to harm but to prosper.
i'm confident that prosperity is not found only in money but in the greater things of life.
i'm confident that i am loved.
i'm confident that i do find joy in ministry and i chose to overlook it.
i'm confident that my finding joy is not what ministry is about.
i'm confident that even though it seems like i'm going to go insane and i won't be able to get everything done that somehow everything will get done.
i'm confident that i need to find a place to be spiritually fed.
i'm confident that life is not easy but that doesn't mean it can't be enjoyed.
i'm confident that three things i hold dear in my life will not leave me: my joy, my hope, my faith.
i'm confident that God is a forgiving God.
i'm confident that i am not forsaken.
i'm confident that no matter how hard i try to feel bad sometimes, i will always be an optimist.
i'm confident that someday i will be really good at something.
i'm confident that people don't judge me as harshly as i judge myself.
i'm confident that i was not called to seminary but it doesn't mean i can't make it through.
i'm confident that even if i am supposed to quit school and i do continue, that it will be okay.
i'm confident that people often take detours on their path through life and these are places where real learning and formation occur.
i'm confident that i am made the way i am and i can't lose basic aspects of my core being.
i'm confident that the people i love know i love them.
i'm confident that my love of people will sustain me in ways i cannot even imagine.
i'm confident that if i do have to quit some fun things i can still find joy in doing a better job in my responsibilities.
i'm confident that i am more fully convinced that there are things the church needs to change and i want to help with that change.
i'm confident that the times i'm looking forward to when i leave here for a while will be a sabbath for me.
i'm confident that as much as i preach to people about the sabbath, i need to start heeding my own advice.
i'm confident there is sustenance in trusting in God.
i'm confident that people will enjoy reading this post a lot more than the last post.
i'm confident that we have to realize that life is not always easy and it's okay to freak out every now and then.
i'm confident that being honest with yourself is one of the hardest yet most rewarding things.
i'm confident that this list could go on indefinitely as well and that this one carries more weight.
i'm confident that i have a role in this world and no matter how scared i get, i want to accomplish it.
i'm confident because i believe in greater and higher things.
i'm confident because there is light in this world.
i'm confident that there is faith, hope, and love and the greatest is love.
i'm confident.
posted by kyledawn @ 9:29 AM
|
Wednesday, October 05, 2005
i'm scared
i’m scared because i don’t find any joy in ministry.
i’m scared because every time i leave a meeting at my church i feel hopeless and completely drained.
i’m scared that i’m not going to want to do ministry anymore.
i’m scared that all my school has prepared me for ministry and if i don’t do it, i have nowhere to go.
i’m scared that i know all the right theories but i have no idea how to put them into practice or that i do know how and i’m too scared to do it and blame it on lack of time.
i’m scared that I will never know how to organize.
i’m scared that all the parts of my personality that i like are getting buried deeper and deeper within.
i’m scared that i don’t know how to get back to a good relationship with God.
i’m scared that I’m disappointing all the people in my life; especially the ones that i most don’t want to disappoint.
i’m scared that i’m not being a good friend to all the people that i greatly adore.
i’m scared that i’m being very selfish.
i’m scared because i looked forward to this year thinking that it was going to be a confirmation of my call to ministry and an affirmation that i could make it through seminary.
i’m scared that if i do finish seminary, i will be so changed that all i’ve worked for and looked forward to will not seem important to me anymore.
i’m scared that i’m not strong enough to be here; that my faith is weaker than i thought.
i’m scared that i’m becoming fatalistic.
i’m scared that no one will care about these things.
i’m scared that i know there are people who care and i’m just doing this for pity.
i’m scared that i’m going to have to quit all the things that bring me joy so that i can do better the things that i don’t enjoy.
i’m scared that my pastor will tell me it was wrong to make plans to go home when that’s the thing i need most right now.
i’m scared because the only joy i get is looking forward to the times when i get to leave this place.
i’m scared that i’m trying to be really honest and i’m still trying to fool myself.
i’m scared that the only reason i really like to hang out with teenagers is because i don’t want to leave my adolescence because i’m scared that i can’t make it as an adult.
i'm scared that God will be hurt because i’m writing some of these things.
i’m scared that i just said that statement because it makes me sound like i have some kind of power over God and i know that’s not true.
i’m scared that the things i hold on to most dearly are slipping away from me. where are my hope and my joy and my faith?
i'm scared that i’m going to be so stressed out this year that i lose a significant part of myself and i may never get it back.
i’m scared because i don’t know if i should ask for help, how i should ask or whom i should ask.
i’m scared that i’m going to be a burden on people who already have enough to worry about.
i’m scared that i’m not going to be able to breathe all semester.
i’m scared that this list is so long and i don’t even feel like i’ve started.
i’m scared that people are going to reply to this and try to help and i’m scared because i don’t want them to.
i’m scared because lately the things i’ve enjoyed most have nothing to do with ministry.
i’m scared because i just want to love people and i can’t figure out how to do that in a way that will support me.
i’m scared that i’m saying i don’t want to do youth ministry anymore because i want myself to still want to do that.
i'm scared because i don't know how to help people.
i'm scared because i only want to do the fun and exciting things in ministry and i want to avoid anything hard.
i’m scared that the world won’t want the international youth ministry that i want to do.
i’m scared that i have found no joy at all in my studies here.
i’m scared to quit.
i’m scared that i’m supposed to quit.
i’m scared because i don’t know what i would do if i quit.
i’m scared that i haven’t learned anything in my years of school and everyone is expecting me to become some kind of expert and i’ll know nothing about what i’m supposed to know about.
i’m scared that i’m always going to be fraudulent when i apply for a job because i won’t ever be able to do that job as it should be done.
i’m scared because i have no idea what “the best of my abilities” are because i’ve never done anything wholeheartedly, passionately or with all my strength.
i’m scared because i know i thought of more things to put on this list on my drive home and i’m afraid that i could keep going indefinitely.
i'm scared that this post is going to make a lot of people worry.
i'm scared that I want to say 'everything is going to be all right' and that i was supposed to make this list but it just seems tonight that everything is not going to be all right and i'm going to feel a lot of these feelings for the rest of my life.
i'm scared because i don't want to end on an optimistic note.
i'm scared that things are going to seem a whole lot better in the morning and no one is going to believe me when i say i'm fine.
i’m scared.
i’m scared because every time i leave a meeting at my church i feel hopeless and completely drained.
i’m scared that i’m not going to want to do ministry anymore.
i’m scared that all my school has prepared me for ministry and if i don’t do it, i have nowhere to go.
i’m scared that i know all the right theories but i have no idea how to put them into practice or that i do know how and i’m too scared to do it and blame it on lack of time.
i’m scared that I will never know how to organize.
i’m scared that all the parts of my personality that i like are getting buried deeper and deeper within.
i’m scared that i don’t know how to get back to a good relationship with God.
i’m scared that I’m disappointing all the people in my life; especially the ones that i most don’t want to disappoint.
i’m scared that i’m not being a good friend to all the people that i greatly adore.
i’m scared that i’m being very selfish.
i’m scared because i looked forward to this year thinking that it was going to be a confirmation of my call to ministry and an affirmation that i could make it through seminary.
i’m scared that if i do finish seminary, i will be so changed that all i’ve worked for and looked forward to will not seem important to me anymore.
i’m scared that i’m not strong enough to be here; that my faith is weaker than i thought.
i’m scared that i’m becoming fatalistic.
i’m scared that no one will care about these things.
i’m scared that i know there are people who care and i’m just doing this for pity.
i’m scared that i’m going to have to quit all the things that bring me joy so that i can do better the things that i don’t enjoy.
i’m scared that my pastor will tell me it was wrong to make plans to go home when that’s the thing i need most right now.
i’m scared because the only joy i get is looking forward to the times when i get to leave this place.
i’m scared that i’m trying to be really honest and i’m still trying to fool myself.
i’m scared that the only reason i really like to hang out with teenagers is because i don’t want to leave my adolescence because i’m scared that i can’t make it as an adult.
i'm scared that God will be hurt because i’m writing some of these things.
i’m scared that i just said that statement because it makes me sound like i have some kind of power over God and i know that’s not true.
i’m scared that the things i hold on to most dearly are slipping away from me. where are my hope and my joy and my faith?
i'm scared that i’m going to be so stressed out this year that i lose a significant part of myself and i may never get it back.
i’m scared because i don’t know if i should ask for help, how i should ask or whom i should ask.
i’m scared that i’m going to be a burden on people who already have enough to worry about.
i’m scared that i’m not going to be able to breathe all semester.
i’m scared that this list is so long and i don’t even feel like i’ve started.
i’m scared that people are going to reply to this and try to help and i’m scared because i don’t want them to.
i’m scared because lately the things i’ve enjoyed most have nothing to do with ministry.
i’m scared because i just want to love people and i can’t figure out how to do that in a way that will support me.
i’m scared that i’m saying i don’t want to do youth ministry anymore because i want myself to still want to do that.
i'm scared because i don't know how to help people.
i'm scared because i only want to do the fun and exciting things in ministry and i want to avoid anything hard.
i’m scared that the world won’t want the international youth ministry that i want to do.
i’m scared that i have found no joy at all in my studies here.
i’m scared to quit.
i’m scared that i’m supposed to quit.
i’m scared because i don’t know what i would do if i quit.
i’m scared that i haven’t learned anything in my years of school and everyone is expecting me to become some kind of expert and i’ll know nothing about what i’m supposed to know about.
i’m scared that i’m always going to be fraudulent when i apply for a job because i won’t ever be able to do that job as it should be done.
i’m scared because i have no idea what “the best of my abilities” are because i’ve never done anything wholeheartedly, passionately or with all my strength.
i’m scared because i know i thought of more things to put on this list on my drive home and i’m afraid that i could keep going indefinitely.
i'm scared that this post is going to make a lot of people worry.
i'm scared that I want to say 'everything is going to be all right' and that i was supposed to make this list but it just seems tonight that everything is not going to be all right and i'm going to feel a lot of these feelings for the rest of my life.
i'm scared because i don't want to end on an optimistic note.
i'm scared that things are going to seem a whole lot better in the morning and no one is going to believe me when i say i'm fine.
i’m scared.
posted by kyledawn @ 10:56 PM
|
Monday, October 03, 2005
you should see my socks
i look totally goofy right now. i have capris on so my jeans only go halfway down my calf. well, my exposed legs and feet were cold (because i have to have my windows open because my room stinks) and i decided to put on a pair of warm-up-your-feet socks. well, i chose ones that my parents got for me in the grand canyon with that cool flute player guy. so these socks go right up to where my pants end. it's kind of glorious to feel so dorky!
i think today was a pretty good day for the most part. i wrote my serving/learning covenant and turned it in but apparently i'm really bad at knowing that i'm supposed to have turned in other parts of it that my pastor still has. hopefully she has faxed it in. i kinda don't care about anything when it comes to the field ed. office though. classes were good. i feel like i paid attention more than usual so that is encouraging. i actually remembered things the teacher had said ... now tell me that's not cool! i think tonight was a good night. i got to have dinner outside, under a tree with my friends emily and ann. and then, ann and i wrote our paper for advanced youth ministry class. i just had a really good time talking with ann and laughing about stuff ... especially when her face freaks out!
well, i must go and write another paper. i just felt like maybe some people out there wanted me to post again. also, i thought i'd start posting more often to see if i actually want to keep blogging. because, i haven't been missing it but maybe i will start to really enjoy it again once i start posting again...
i think today was a pretty good day for the most part. i wrote my serving/learning covenant and turned it in but apparently i'm really bad at knowing that i'm supposed to have turned in other parts of it that my pastor still has. hopefully she has faxed it in. i kinda don't care about anything when it comes to the field ed. office though. classes were good. i feel like i paid attention more than usual so that is encouraging. i actually remembered things the teacher had said ... now tell me that's not cool! i think tonight was a good night. i got to have dinner outside, under a tree with my friends emily and ann. and then, ann and i wrote our paper for advanced youth ministry class. i just had a really good time talking with ann and laughing about stuff ... especially when her face freaks out!
well, i must go and write another paper. i just felt like maybe some people out there wanted me to post again. also, i thought i'd start posting more often to see if i actually want to keep blogging. because, i haven't been missing it but maybe i will start to really enjoy it again once i start posting again...
posted by kyledawn @ 9:43 PM
|
